At Year’s End

Brava and clouds

Ghosts. I really believe in them, and see at least shards of them a couple of times every week. With 2017 breathing its last gasps today, they were swirling in multitudes today, spinning in such vibrant swirls that I was dizzy by early afternoon. Only as the light was dimming did I realize that they were all ghosts of me. Not ghosts from some previous life but all from earlier stages of this one. They felt like all of those children that I have chosen not to bring into this world but still feel such a connection with and talk to on a regular basis. They were not wispy or gentle ghosts, but frantic and sometimes angry, selfish,manic ones, some on the verge of hysteria and clearly oblivious to this current version of themselves that they were too self absorbed to see. But late in the afternoon — 4:18 p.m. to be precise — one of them paused for less than an eyelash of a second and we made eye contact. Our palms reached towards each other but did not quite connect. The hysteria returned, the ghosts went soaring forward like the taillights of SUVs on the 405 trying to get to somewhere that they could not yet identify. And as the lunacy faded, I managed to forgive them, one by one. Slowly I could see each ghosts as someone I would never see again, the remnants of which dim with each passing year but may return in a flash unannounced. As their annoying chatter suddenly began to sound like the glorious flutter of hummingbird wings, I found that I could actually let them know that I loved them. They were too far in the distance to hear me, but I could see those words floating above me too quickly for me to retract, like an outrageously gorgeous paisley scarf floating above rooftops that may never be seen but is content in its own perfect containment.

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